Battling Feelings of Inadequacy

I never took the time to write about my experience at WWW (Wonderful Weekend for Women) in Salina, KS this past fall. I have since thrown away or misplaced my notes for that event so I'm going to share the everlasting impression that it had on me. Being the visual person that I am as I prepared for speaking I imagined the room I would be speaking in, how I would set up my art pieces that I would be speaking on, where I would stand as I talked about the pieces and how exactly I would reveal each art piece. So to my surprise as I entered the room that was assigned to me, I completely fell apart. It was WAY smaller than I had imagined. Silly me why in the world was I surprised. I'm not a psychic and cannot tell the future, so why was I so surprised that the room didn't resemble exactly what I have envisioned? As I composed myself and my wonderful mother-in-law and Grams prayed over me I realized this wasn't meant for me. It wasn't about me at all. It is and was all about what God wanted, what was going to glorify Him most. I wiped the tears away and started setting up my room. The pieces were very close together but it was a perfect fit. any less room and they would have had to be overlapped. It's like God knew exactly how much room I needed.

Okay, lets back up for a moment. I'm an artist and God has called me to become a speaker. Amazingly he has allowed me to use my art in one of His callings for my life. It's the hard yet very  rewarding. I received a question the second day that I spoke at WWW from a lady by the name of Kenva Thomas. She actually attends the same church as I do and we are good friends. She asked me how I come up with the art that I speak about. How exactly do I make it to go with what God has laid on my heart to speak? Well, that is an interesting question to answer because I really don't know most of the time. For example, the final piece that I spoke on at WWW (which was my least favorite piece) I started and restarted several times. And what you don't know if you weren't there to hear me speak was that the night before I spoke for the first time there I had no idea what God wanted me to say about that particular art piece. I sat in my bed Thursday evening and prayed "God, I speak tomorrow (like he didn't know) and I have no idea why I made this piece. I don't like it and I don't know what I'm supposed to say about it". His answer couldn't have been more clear to me the second I said Amen. He asked me to trust Him. That it was simple, the reason He wanted that piece was because He wanted me to relinquish control. To give it all to Him. I mean really it was all about Him and all for Him right? So that was that, I gave it up. I said okay, I will trust you.

Friday came and I wasn't nervous. Really it was a great feeling. God has this and I didn't know how or what it would look like exactly, but He was going to be glorified because I was giving it to Him. So pride has its way of sneaking in when you don't have your guard up. I stood in my small room that Friday morning and thought what if only the people I know show up or what if only 10 people come? God this room is small and I had envisioned this message meant for the masses. This room can only hold maybe 30 people and we will be smooched in like sardines. I decided to leave the room. About fifteen mins before I was to say what God had laid on my heart, I left. Went to clear my brain and talk to one of the other speakers about nothing related to speaking. I came back five mins before I was to start and my room was PACKED. I mean people were waiting at the door wanting to come in and there were no seats left. Seriously, do they know which speaker they are coming to see. Pride had slipped away and complete AWE had struck me. And they kept coming in, despite the fact that there weren't any seats left. They were sitting on the floor, literally at my feet, ready to hear these words that God had to say. See God was telling me, it's not about the size of the room, the person he chooses to speak but it's about Him and the great love that He has for us.

Sadly I can't even remember the names of these pieces. That's completely horrible because naming the pieces are one of my favorite things. But again thats not what this is about. I believe this one's name was something like Empty Wholes. It's about filling our minds with the ideas of this world. Society tells us women how we are to look, act, pick the right guy, become the best wife, raise our children, ect., ect. The problem with this advice is it leaves us with this overwhelming since of inadequacy.  See the worlds expectations are not realistic. We feel that when we can not rise to these expectations we have failed. And God's message is the truth. See the bible is filled with inadequate people whom God used to do amazing things. God gives us the truths about keeping our bodies healthy, how we should act, how to find the right guy (should you be called to be married), be the best wife, raise your children, ect., ect.  The amazing thing about what the bible tells you as well is that we will fail, we aren't going to be perfect and when we fail their is forgiveness, grace, peace that surpasses all understanding and the greatest, love.

Next came this piece. Making everything look put together on the outside. Problem with that is we don't use the resources God has given us to survive moments in our lives when satan is telling us we are losing. Satan loves to tell me lies constantly. When we are honest with ourselves and ask for help meaning prayer, a friend to talk to and just be honest with ourselves there is great revelation in that. Surrendering is so hard sometimes. Especially if you are like me and super stubborn. But surrendering is what needs to happen. Relinquishing control is one of the most freeing things you can do. Giving your cares and worries and anxieties to God is what has blessed me numerous times in my life. And it has gotten me through some of the toughest moments or seasons too.

This is my favorite piece and this picture doesn't give it justice. God has made us all different so comparing ourselves to others doesn't quiet work out for us. The only person God calls us to be like is His son Jesus. The girl with the skinny legs that I want, the mom who seems to have it all together, the woman of faith who looks to always be strong in adversity, etc, they are not who I should be comparing my life to. The honest truth is that every woman wants something that another woman has and that just isn't what God has called us to. See it took me a process of stripping myself down to bareness (I know it's not a word, but you know what I mean) no makeup, natural hair color and clothes that I felt comfortable in, to see that I am who God made me to be. I will never have supermodel legs, perfect skin (by the worlds description), or have it all together. My kids will make mistakes, I will get into arguments with my Lover, and there will be days that everything seems to be going wrong. The confidence though in those moments/seasons will be that God will never leave me nor forsake me. He loves me for me and as long as I strive to follow Him and make him #1 I have all that I need. See He sees me in a crowd, I am His and I am a light in this world for His glory. I get to spend eternity with a Heavenly Father, Master Creator, Wonderful Counselor, Almighty King.

And here it is, the piece I did not like and didn't have anything to say about.  This piece was made to simply show my trust in God. I was obedient in allowing people to see my raw art. See these pieces look nothing like the art that I usually make. These pieces were out of my comfort zone. I was not confident in my skills when showing these pieces and knew had I shown them to one of my art professors in school they would have destroyed them with nasty critiques. They aren't my best pieces to my worldly view of it but they were used to further God's kingdom. This last piece when revealed the second time I spoke brought on great feed back. A lady who I had never met commented after I was finished speaking that this piece meant a lot to her. She explained to me what the piece was about. I was in complete amazement how God used it. He asked me to trust Him so I did and this lady was allowed a connection to God that would have never happened unless I was vulnerable enough to say "okay God I will show this piece, even though I have nothing to say about it". It was completely a God thing!!!

These pieces foundation (canvas) were things that are not usually used for creating art. The first piece was based on a rectangular piece of styrofoam I took from the trash pile when my husband was putting our outdoor shed together, the second piece is a small kid sized ironing board, the third an old rusted screen window and the fourth a plastic frame my bother had given me that had wall street  information on it. God uses the most unlikely people to do His work. Or so it seems that way to us. He can use you and me just as we are, with the flaws that this world has given us and do spectacular things. So stop listening to the comments of this world, get your advice from God's word and from speaking directly to him. Reach out to your Godly friends for support, stop faking it and be real with yourself, your family and your friends. Most likely someone close to you is going through, has gone through or will go through what you are right now. And lastly surrender, trust and obey God even when it doesn't make sense. He's got great plans for you. Rely on Him and the Perfection Infection of Unrealistic Expectations will vanish. With God's help are adequate enough to do His work!