Before I tell you the truth I want to help you understand where this post is coming from. Today I am home sick because on our way back from our family trip to Omaha, NE my body decided it didn’t want to keep any food down. I am home while my family is attending church because my husband insisted that I rest. However as I sit here in bed I am reflecting on the past few months and what truths have come from them. But sadly the lies of what I have heard the past three months are where I need to start. Lies for some reason can so quickly translate into truths in our minds. After you repeat them, dwell on them and allow them deep into your inner most thoughts. Last fall/beginning of winter I was talking with God and had come to a place of desiring to know Him more. More than I had ever before. Knowing that God is more vast than I will ever be able to comprehend this side of heaven I desire to have more of Him, to understand more of who He is and what He is all about.  Realizing first thing I must do to start this season of knowing Him more is I  had to make sure I put off hidden sins or as I would say sins I had made into everyday activity. I wanted God to reveal to me any sin that I had made ok for me to do. Sin that I didn’t realize was sin because my flesh had hidden it in too deep for me to recognize it unless I ask the Holy Spirit to work and reveal it to me. And let me tell you God is in the business of answering prayers. When you pray in alighnment with Him He will answer.

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.”
‭‭1 John‬ ‭5:14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

God answered me and convicted me of being a lier! I couldn’t believe it. I mean that is a 10 commandments law.

““ ‘Do not steal. “ ‘Do not lie. “ ‘Do not deceive one another.”
‭‭Leviticus‬ ‭19:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Ouch!!!! My next question to God was...how am I a lier? He gently replied “Randi, when your husband asks you how you are and you reply “I’m good”, when you are not....that is a lie.” Wow, ok this is truth. I had already agreed to do what was needed before I asked God my question. Meaning I was going to repent and move toward seeking truth. So I had to STOP lying. You may be shoked when I tell you what happens next. Well when I decided to stop lying to my husband this brought to the surface a lot of STUFF that I had been hiding for years and years and years. I have a huge fear of rejection, a fear that if I truly was honest with my husband about what went on in my mind he would no longer love me. Now I had to tell him what was wrong. So our relationship was based on these lies. Me covering up all the innermost hurts and fears. I grew up being told to suck it up and be strong. So if I cried or showed any signs or emotions I felt were weak then I am a failure. Through this season of seeking truth I have found that crying, revealing the innermost fears and trials is one of the strongest things I’ve ever done. And it has only provided to make me stronger still. This misconception that showing who we are in regards to our fears, weaknesses, sins, heartaches, trials and temptations makes us horrible humans or failures is simply not truth!

“That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

When we are able to share, give to the body of Christ ourselves in our truest form that is when God is delighted. Allow the body of Christ to do what it was designed to do. I went through a month of deep depression. Depression runs in my biological make up. I have immediate family members who are on medication for depression, anxiety, for being bipolar and  schizophrenic . Since high school I have delt with rage that would come and go like a flip of a switch. Mood swings and fits of rage are not fun especially when you are too proud to ask for help. It has only taken me a decade to realize I must ask for help to overcome these physical/mental struggles. I had to decide for myself to set an appointment to see a doctor. And I had to decide for myself to seek help from a therapist. My story (testimony) started a lot longer before I started to realize the depression inside of me. My little girl self always knew my parents struggled to keep their marriage together. When my dad unexpectedly left my mom one summer day when I was not quite a teen yet my world was rocked. Looking back now that started a journey of finding my true identity. All of our identities are found in Christ alone.

“On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

The truth is God! Truth is found in Him, through His son Jesus and lived daily with the Holy Spirit. Now on this journey of finding the actual truth of who God is has been so refreshing to me. The
 worries and angst of how I should be has fluttered away. I can rest. Rest in the facts, God is good. He does not require us to be anything but believers. When we come to a true knowledge of Him and desire to live in truth we are set free from it all. Now don’t get me wrong I struggle. But I know have the knowledge that the struggle is where growth happens. And as I allow God to work and move and mold me I am simply allowing Him to take control and taking the heavy burdens that this world offers and giving Him the leading role. I am to sit still. Listen to His gentle voice and seek Him as I take every single breath as a gift to glorify Him in whatever He gives me to use. I pray blessings over you as you have read what’s happening with me. I pray you seek the Lord today like you never have before and rest in the knowledge that He is all you need.

“What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭3:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

We Went Skating

Today I was able to have one of those experiences that as a follower of Christ I’m able to see through only His (God’s) eyes. My daughters were invited to our neighbor girls 6th birthday at a skating rink down the road. Both of my girls have never skated and I went apprehensively knowing that with my genes the possibility of them getting hurt could very well happen.  But I want my girls to experience new things and I don’t want to be that helicopter mom that my default setting so comfortably wants to fall back to. 

My husband took Lily and walked with her and she took off on this new adventure and I was with Emma. 

As I held Emma’s hand around the rink time after time after time I got to see her exactly for who she is. She is beautiful, and strong, determined and not willing to give up. She said “mom, I’m not stopping till I can do this on my own”. I cheered her one, I directed her the best I could on how to skate and how not to “walk” in the skates. So many lessons to be learned from these two hours experienced with my girl. 

For two hours I was not distracted by the world, I was fully invested in her and her momentary dream of learning to skate. Much like God wants to give us the desires of our hearts. 

“Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Psalms 37:4 

I remember back to my husbands desire of becoming a police officer and the two major fights we had about that because my simple mind could not understand how he could ever be a cop and be in ministry at the same time as a youth pastor. However God knew how it could happen and my husband is currently a police officer for the Topeka 501 school district. He also pastors our church by-vocationally. 

Emma worked hard for two hours today wanting and desiring to become the best skater that she could be. She was determined and although she was doing much better by the time we left she had not mastered this skill. 

There were times she held on tight to my hand, there were times she took off on her own. Times of distraction brought her tumbling down. No matter I was there, there to grab her before she hit the floor and there to pick her back up after she fell. She knew I was there and she could continue in her efforts because she knew she was not alone in it. 

It is exactly like that in our lives as we walk with Christ. Times we fall and He snatched us right up before we crash and times we completely fail and He’s there to pick us up. No matter He is there. He guides and directs us. Gives us the knowledge of how to do life and instruction through His word to encourage us along the way. The lesson here is simply beautiful. God used Emma today to give me more than she will ever know. A beautiful moment in our lives as mother and daughter. A moment I was able to watch and see her without distraction of anyone else. To see how she has grown not only physically but as a little girl. How God has passed down her father and it’s trait of determination. She reminded me of myself. I do not see myself anymore like that. Yet God revealed that trait in her and that it had came from me. Or at least a little bit because her daddy is a very determined man. One of many wonderful traits about him. 

But most importantly God reminder me so gracefully of His love for me. How He will never leave me. Whether my circumstances are tough or if I’m rocking it out on a spiritual high, God is there. Right next to me. 

Please pray for me to continue in choosing to live for the moments of life. This life is so very short. 

“Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.”

James 4:14 

This life is a vapor! I desire to stop wasting it. Please pray for me to make better choices. I don’t want to look back on my life at some point and think it a waste because I spent most of it on my phone or ignoring my children because I was tired or not truly cherishing my husband. God has beautiful moments waiting for us all the time. But we have to be willing to choose to live in them and see Him in them. Thank you Lord for all your many blessings. Thank you Lord for this very breath. Thank you Lord for today it would have been meaningless without You. 

Here I am

Here I am in a season of excitement, learning, diving deeper and pining for truth. I am seeking who Jesus really is. Our culture is so wrapped up in “finding ourselves” and honestly I have for too long been wrapped right up in there with them. Who am I? What does God want for me today, tomorrow, next month or what’s His 5 year plan for me? Well....I’m learning the answer is found in Jesus. Who is Jesus, Really?  This is where the excitement comes in.  I can actually say I’m beginning to get to know my Jesus for the first time. Not what I want to make Him into. I am searching the scriptures to find out who He is. So far I have uncovered that He was before all things. He was in the beginning with God and all things were created by Him and for Him. Then He became human. Seriously, He stepped off of His throne in Heaven where He resided with His Father so that He could come to be fully human to show us the way. He loves us. Okay, okay so I’m not going to give you everything today but I do have to share one thing that just blew my mind. During Sunday school after a brother in Christ had mentioned Jesus’ plead for God to take this cup from Him  God spoke to me. As my Jesus cried out to our Father, tears of blood running down His face, it was so very clear to me His heart at that very moment. Jesus is fully God and fully man. Jesus knew what was to come and He knew why it had to happen yet in that moment as He was in fellowship with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords He cried out for God to save Him from what was about to happen. See Jesus having not sinned once was going to take on ALL of our sins and not only that but ALL of God’s wrath  too. Ok yea ouch hard to swallow that but I believe it went even further than that. Because of this sin God (not being able to be any part of sin) would be separated from Jesus for three days. That is where I believe the angst came. Jesus could not fathom being separated from the Father for one moment let alone three days. Yet He loved us and wanted us to have a way back to Him. That my friends is where I am. I am yearning to be there. So greatly grieved over sin that I cannot fathom taking it on knowing God cannot be a part of it. Why would I choose sin over the God who has given me eternal life. Here’s to a few more blog posts coming your way about my Jesus. The real Jesus!!!! I’ve got to go do dishes before my husband comes home and I don’t want to forget to post this so I pinky promise I will put scripture references in my next post.

Super Hero Chicken Lady

Hello Friends.
This week has been my first week with no help from my church ladies. Monday I rested in the Lord and was obedient to His teachings for me to be intentional with my time. Then yesterday I decided I would clean the bathroom. I mean REALLY clean the bathroom. So today I was wiped. I had planned since it was wet outside and I was tired and worn out and my body needed rest that we would have a movie day today. I had made a pallet for the kids on the floor, popped us some popcorn to munch on and sat myself on the couch as the first movie started. And here’s where I need to back track to yesterday before going forward. Yesterday we had an intruder. A hawk had decided to prey on one of our new chicks. He won the battle and we are down one chick.  Onto today. The chickens had pushed the fence open because they are clever like that and were roaming the back yard yet again. As I sit on the couch having enjoyed one or two bits of popcorn I heard that sound....you know the sound of a chick being grabbed by a hawk. I jumped up, well I hobbled up and went straight for the door to find one more of my chicks in the grasp of the hawk. I flung the door open and put my shoes on and as fast as I could and headed out to save my chickens. All the while instructing Lily to come with me to help and for the boys to stay inside (praying Luke wouldn’t break or destroy my house while I’m trying to play super hero chicken lady). The hawk had taken my baby chick behind one of our weed infested garden beds but couldn’t lift this one over our fence. So I went and got a rack and the hawk flew off without the chick. I thought it was dead so my attention went to the remainder of my flock. Lils and I tried our best to get these chickens back into the pen so i could herd them into the run to lock them up in safety. They just wouldn’t go. And remember I’m not 100% and I have only been walking with two shoes on at therapy for the past few days but today I’m super hero chicken lady so I can do this right?!?! Nope. After many attempts to get them in the pen I hunched over with both of my hands on my knees and started to weep. My glasses all the way down to the tip of my nose because of sweat and that was it. I cried out to Jesus “Lord, please help me get these chickens in their pen and into the coop”. No amen or nothing. I just stood back up and those chickens when right into the pen and the Lord brought them to safety. The little chick that had been assaulted by the hawk was even in there with them. Time will tell if she makes it but there is hope. I will conclude with the lesson the Lord taught me today.  Do not grow weary my beloved daughter. Cry out to Me because I care for you and hear your prayers. I love you.

The end of the tunnel is near

I'm at about 50% weight bearing and that is only after I've stretched my foot and ankle before I go for a stroll. I battle pushing myself and feelings of disappointment when I feel pain while walking on it. God consistently has been telling me to rest, don't rush and do not pick up the flesh that He has stripped away. I've learned so much in this season and as I am approaching the other end of this I am reminded to not fall back into what life looked like before my fall. My ankle is a wonderful example of what is happening to my spirit. Brokenness was necessary so that rest and reproof would give way to wisdom. However as physical healing takes place my flesh wants to pick up what has been stripped away. The want to clean, do for doings sake and not keep my focus on what glorifies God. My husband has been speaking on prayer the past three weeks at church and today he spoke about the church in acts. Prayer is what the disciples did immediately after Jesus ascended up into heaven. And then after going out and preaching the gospel three thousand believers were added to them. Then what did they do....

“They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.”

Acts 2:42 

This is what God is calling us to. Being devoted to learning His word, being in fellowship with other believers, having meals together and praying!  To often we have made our ministry a complex thing when it is truly this simple. For me since my life drastically changed the day I broke my ankle I have been forced to rest in the Lord. Reading His word and attending bible study. I've been forced to fellowship because I need help. I have a different lady from the church at my house everyday and we fellowship. Along with that fellowship we break bread together at lunch time. And I'm learning I must not forsake prayer. I have to admit prayer is something I too often overlook. It has become convenient for me. I never want my relationship with Christ to become convenient. He should always be my first priority. So pursue the Lord and never pick up what has been stripped away.

Being Renewed

Recovery Day 26-Day 30

This week was one of seeking, finding, praying, listening, bible study, grace, peace, obedience and renewal. The Renew conference was very much an encouragement to me. Interesting enough that is what the Lord had me speaking on. Based on Hebrews 10:23-25 and Romans 1:11-13. We laughed, we cried and we were encouraged by the real life evidence of God working in our lives. The reminder to pray earnestly for God to reveal Himself to us was a blessing and Alicia Marie Garcia reminded us that God had a plan before the foundations of this earth was laid which gives us the knowledge that we can trust Him with all that we have.  Stay steadfast friends, stay steadfast.

Prayer is my Ladder

Recovery Day 20

All time low today. I'm going to simply be obedient in asking for prayer over my mind.

Recovery Day 21
Got outside today to sit and watch the kids play, ran to hobby lobby for more cards, listened to the kids sing how great though art randomly during play and was blessed by our elders wife. She came over and did some deep cleaning at my house and gave me a hair cut!!!! Put yesterday behind me and started anew today.

“Grace be with you all.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭13:25‬ ‭

Recovery days 22-23

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:1-2‬ ‭

The end of this week I have been in a pit of despair. I know the truth of God's love for me, that He provides peace and joy through all circumstances when our eyes are fixed on Him and I utterly failed to do just that. Instead I allowed lies to creep in. I listened to thoughts that my family would be much better without me. That my husband could find a wife better suited for him and for my daughters. Thoughts that went as far as take several left over pain pills could be my solution to this heartache I have felt for a while now. But God's grace abounded. His love for me came through the knowledge that those were just that, LIES. Lies that the evil one wanted me to believe. The truth is that God is working some things out in me. See in 5 days I am scheduled to speak at Renew (a women's conference) in salina Kansas to a group of women about encouragement. Yes please laugh out loud at the humor in that. Me, still trying to allow God to pull me out of the pit I've dug for myself am going to be used by God to speak encouragement into other women's lives. You can't say God doesn't have a scenes of humor. I'm excited to be a vessel He is still forming and I'm praying and believing that He will be glorified this Friday and Saturday as He pours out truth into these women's lives. Please simply pray for my flesh to be stripped away and for God to shine.

Recovery Day 24

“For You, O LORD, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭92:4‬ ‭

I struggled with how I would react to what the doctor would say today. I didn't want to have a complete meltdown when he told me I would have the cast on for two more weeks and I didn't want to ball my eyes out because of sheer joy if he told me it was coming off. Then he came in and said we are taking that off today. I went into shock, and I'm pretty sure I told him I loved him. Yikes. I had decided in my mind that the cast would be around a while longer yet I knew there was a little hope that it could come off. But my focus was on my reaction not the small glimmer of hope that resided in my heart. Talk about gut check here.

Grace and mercy have been words that continually show up in the scripture that God has lead me to the past three days.  God's grace is beautiful and His mercy is always enough. See although I feel like this broken, bruised, puddle of a woman through this season of healing I know that God still loves me. He still looks upon me and sees His beloved daughter, beautiful creation and He knows that I will be feasting at His table someday in heaven. Glory to God in the highest forever and ever!!!!!

Recovery Day 25

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6-7‬ ‭

Let's Pray!!!!!!